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As I reach the crescendo of my quarter century on this planet as a member of the human race who are popular for such concepts as civilisation and religion, it has become apparent over the years through literary classics such as The Bible and the Qur’an that the majority of my species believe in something more than the three dimensional hologram that we can comprehend around us.

It is a natural desire to find some sort of purpose to this whole business we have dubbed existence. Through the dawning and childhood of all of the civilisations on the planet, an answer has been given to the masses to calm everybody down and to stop them from thinking too hard and questioning the world so everybody can get busy working tedious tasks in making other people some money.

This has been done with various religions and teachings that are often fed to each and every one of us from birth without any other option. As a guest of this new millennium, I feel the original question of man is not at all redundant, the methods used to explain them in the past are. I will use what has been presented to me in the new age of mass media and global consciousness to try and piece together the truth. Is there life after death? And does heaven/paradise exist?

Bryan Adams – Heaven

My journey started with this classic. Simply titled ‘Heaven’. I thought that the answer was presented to us all through the Canadian false prophet Bryan Adams. It turns out he just got laid and enjoyed the experience. I figured he wanted it to happen again, so he wrote a song for the lucky lady? I wonder if she felt the same. There was another single on the album called ‘Run to You’. Maybe she didn’t … what a creep.

OPM – Heaven is a Half Pipe

This next one was quite popular in the early part of the millennium. When an idea is popular it generally means that it is accurate or speaks some truths. But then I remembered people are idiots. Jesus packing bongs? If these clowns had been born in the middle ages I would surely hope they would be literally stoned to death.

Eric Clapton – Tears in Heaven

If heaven was a half pipe then there would definitely be tears in heaven in my case. My failed attempts at trying to push wood as a pre pubescent teenager resulted in a lot of falling over and months of humiliation and ridicule. I would not like to be subjected to an eternity of that horrendous period of my life. ‘I don’t belong here in heaven’ too damn right Eric! This form of heaven can be reserved for Fred Durst and the singer from Linkin Park. I hope they all turn into diarrhoea.

The Birthday Party – Mutiny in Heaven

Local lord Nick Cave maybe saw a vision of this Nu Metal paradise. I am ok with joining his mutiny in taking over this vile realm. Although, I doubt that he actually made it as he later explains that ‘fuckin wings burst out his back’ referring to transforming into some divine angelic creature after ‘stickin a needle in his arm’. It appears Heaven can be found with a trip down to your local heroin prefecture.

Belinda Carlisle – Heaven is a Place on Earth

I decided to turn to somebody I can trust and who does elevate me to a state of earthly ecstasy. The Holy maiden (in my eyes and ears) Belinda. It turns out Heaven is right here on earth. We make it whatever we choose. It seems that heaven is just a human construct of the mind and can be found anywhere. I am happy with this as long as Belinda Carlisle is here/there.


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