Daniel Havas: Why I Hate The New Batman Films

Over the past month, there was a huge release in the cinemas that the majority of film people have been waiting eagerly for.  I speak of The Dark Knight Rises.  Now, if you know me, you’ll probably agree with Ben Tarwin and Liam Brammall (if you don’t know them, they’re a couple of bums who also write for here.)  But they always say, “Oh Havas, he hates movies.”  This is sort of true.  They say this in the affectionate way our circle of friends rag on each other for, but I want to take a slight detour to explain myself.

I hate the majority of new films that come out.  I don’t get how people can honestly talk about these films and discuss and compare them to the great films that used to come out.  I will try to write about new films as often as I can, but I will also try to contrast and compare (where possible) to films that I actually think are worthwhile.

Anyway, so back to the turd that is Dark Knight Rises.

Firstly, I am biased, because I hate Christopher Nolan.  Aight, so Memento was cool, I’ve seen it way too many times now thanks to a moronic film class in uni, and I’m over it.  The Prestige is one of the most convoluted pieces of film making that makes no sense at all. That remake he did of that Swedish film was ehhh.  Inception was an expensive rip off of Dreamscape (starring Dennis Quaid, the fat guy from Cheers and Max Von Sydow!!!!) and Nightmare on Elm St III.  And finally, the Batman trilogy.

Batman Begins was such a colossal non-event for me.  The best thing in it, like all the Nolan Batman films was the villian.  I love the hallucinations that The Scarecrow caused, but Batman was such a fucken pussy.  And that voice.  I can not take Batman seriously when he speaks to everyone like a woman who has been smoking 2 packs a day for her life.  Bruce Wayne is done well though, I like that it feels as if Patrick Bateman is Batman, that would be a funny comedy sketch idea.  The second part was a lot better than the first, in terms of scope and story.  Once again, driven by The Joker, which is the only reason I’ve re-watched The Dark Knight so many times.  But this whole ultra realistic angle that Nolan strives for is such a wank.  If I want to watch The Wire, I’ll watch that.  And then, the film is filled with stereotypical hollywood moments.  An examples is when Harvey Dent is issuing the press conference where Batman will reveal his true identity.  The crowd present sound like a crowd from South Park episode, “Rabble rabble rabble . . .  No more dead cops!  Yeah!  The joker took our jobbbbs!”

Another is that bullshit plan of the two ferries blowing each other up.  As if the prisoners wouldn’t have just fucked up the guards and gone hektik.  But no, as Batman says in his stupid voice, “The people of Gotham have shown you their goodness” (not a direct quote, but may as well be).

And now, the “epic conclusion” has a huge muther fucker who has some weird gas mask on his face, (why?) and speaks like Mr. Monopoly.  I was waiting the entire film for him to tell Batman to not pass go and do not collect $200.

Terrible CGI near the end with the flying bat thing, they wasted Matthew Modine, not to mention Gary Oldman in all the films.  Here you have an amazing actor who has played some amazing bad guys, and you decide to make him some completely boring cop who becomes a commisioner.  Fuck that shit.

Bottom line, the new batman films are shite, there is no justifying them.  Obviously, the Joel Schumacher ones are shite, but there is no arguing there.  The Nolan ones hail from the Spielberg school of shit.  Well polished films with neatly structured plots that flow and cater to the moronic majority of film goers and satisfy the basic cognitive.  But if you have any clue and stop and think about what you’re watching, you’ll see that it’s bad for you and is treating you like an idiot.

Anyway, tune in next time, where I’ll be talking about Cronenberg’s new failure, Cosmopolis, and his past good and bad films.

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Daniel Havas is a filmmaker from Sydney who recently started skateboarding and enjoys disco, hip hop and the finer things.  He’s got a few other things you can check out in the Skydreams Writers section.